A word about lying. It's easy to spew wild untruths about your golf game. It's equally easy to lie about your bedtime reading habits. You don't have to lose points with your scholarly friends by admitting that your nightstand contains 27 Superman comic books.

 

But you can't lie about being able to juggle a bowling ball. Someone in the office will have one in the trunk of his car and race to the parking lot to get it. You're trapped. You either put up, shut up or leave a large hole in the floor.

 

All right then, why on earth would you want to do such a thing?

 

After spending all day juggling words, it's nice to go home and juggle something easier.

 

How does one go about learning to juggle a bowling ball?

  

First, you come to grips with the fact that you don't have much of a life. Second, you locate one of the 5-pound hand weights you bought years ago with the idea that your kid could bulk up at night instead of being hypnotized by television. You juggle two things that are easy to catch, such as beanbags, plus one of the hand weights. After about a month, you are ready for a bowling ball.

 

Don't you feel silly juggling a bowling ball?

 

Sure, some of the great grimaces of all time are committed by persons attempting to keep a bowling ball in the air. But I believe that all grownups should do at least one childish thing, else they get worry lines on their faces. I am trying to learn how to juggle a bowling ball and two pencils. By my calculations, that's childish to the power of two.

 

Do you have difficulty finding an audience? 

 

Yes. It is amazing how many people suddenly become extremely busy when you tell them you can juggle a bowling ball and would they like to watch?!

 

Do you believe juggling bowling balls will help fill the huge void in the sports world in the wake of Michael Jordan's retirement.

 

I can only hope. Since his announcement, I've been practicing with my tongue out. But even more important to a bowling ball juggler are the lucrative product  endorsements. I'm hoping to make the label of a floor wax.

 

What does it sound like when a bowling ball hits the floor?

 

Like a bomb has exploded.

 

What do you do when this happens?

 

Evacuate the women and children.  I practice better when nobody's around.

 

What is the ultimate goal of the bowling ball juggler?

 

That a descendent of Ed Sullivan will watch me.