Page 26 Summer 1995
YA
GOTTA LOVE IT! "Here,
Scarecrow! Want to play bam"
-Wicked Witch of the West So!
Darling! Welcome to Tinsletown! Now youve got to get a life, get work
and get
a bunch of agents.
Yes, bubby, a BUNCH
Agents
for theaters, parties, schools, camps, cruise ships, fairs and
conventions. Weddings and funerals and mitzvahs oh my! Your Rolodex
must bust with a hundred agents who will give you regular gigs to keep
you from working as a waiter.
Finding
these agents is the same as back in Kansas, through the yellow pages
and references from friends. The good news is there is work for the
willing juggler. The bad news is you must suffer New Kid Humiliation.
A typical cold call to a Hollywood party agent goes like this:
"Party
Putzers, may I help you?"
"Uh,
yeah, my name is Bob Rastelli and I'm
"Who?"
"Uh,
Bob. Bob Rastelli. I won a gold medal
"Do
you face paint and do balloon animals?"
"Uhyuuuukkkk..."
"I
got a birthday party for a buncha six year old girls on Saturday. The
theme is Beauty and the Beast". Can you do it?"
"Yes!"
Yes!
You'll damn well do it, darling, because You've
spent all your savings on HEAD
Los
Angeles is an INDUSTRY town. That means teevee, videos, movies, S.A.G.*
shoots, Leno and Letterman! That means a national commercial spot!
That means you've gotta make a buncha balloon animals while you hunt
down an agent who will get you in the door. So you gotta suffer.
Better love it, babe!
NO
AGENT, NO SOAP
"Let
me tell ya sump thin, Laura Green. Yer a damn good juggler but yer too
country, ya got no dazzle and that hair has GOT to go. See me when ya
gotta make over." -Hollywood
Vaudeville Agent Coralie Jr.
Taco
Bells and birthday parties you can play anywhere, but the thing that
makes L.A. really fun is hustling on auditions for tee vee
commercials. You get to see your friends suffer physical pain and
humiliation and have a shot at fame too!
But
you can't jump in the pool without an
What
is an agent? Do you have to have one? What do you need to land one?
What happens next?
An
agent is not a cigar chomping groper ready to screw you out of
everything. They are the folks who find you work, set up the audition,
negotiate your contract and handle the billing. You can't do these
things yourself because your job is juggling and you mustn't muss your
doo with this side of show business.
It
takes years for agents to learn their job; learn the town, learn the
legal, the casting directors and how to power lunch. Their job is to
get you work, for if you don't work, they can't buy a Lexus.
You
can't get into the top auditions unless an agent submits you except if
its an open cattle call, and that's another story not for this high
toned article!
To
sign with an agent you need chutzpa, head shots and a resume. These in
hand, you knock on the doors of those who might best represent you. It
is just like looking for a real job but you don't have to wear a tie!
Most
agents are welcoming, as talent is their bread and butter so don't be
shy. With persistence you WILL succeed. You better, or it's back to
the burbs, baby! THE
BREAKDOWN ON THE BREAKDOWN Your
doggedness pays off.
Now
you have an agent. Now what? How do agents find you auditions for
commercials, movies and shows? They find them through The Breakdown
Service. The
Breakdown is a summarized list of projects and the actors needed for
the parts. The Service revises the list every day and delivers it by
messenger to all the industry agents late in the evening. It costs
agents plenty to subscribe and they do not show Breakdowns to actors.
Agents
stay up way late, mark those projects they will submit their people
for and first thing in the morning they zip out headshots to the
casting directors. If the casting director likes YOUR LOOK your agent
schedules an audition. All this happens very quickly!
So,
darling! You get a call from your agent in the morning and by
afternoon you are sitting in a casting office with all the other
jugglers in town, waiting your turn to die. Can
you juggle cereal boxes better than The Dans Holzman and Bennett?
Don't worry, darling! IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU JUGGLE! It matters HOW
YOU LOOK. Check it out. NEXT! -Rob
Pilatus, one-half of
Milli Vanilli Here's
a Tinsletown tale that totally tells what the town is like when it
comes to casting. First, a little back stage insight: The cool thing
in L.A. is when The Breakdown calls for a juggler the agents will
round up the usual suspects and we will get to see our friends in the
casting office, as all our agents are working off the same
information.
Before
the audition we call our best buddies to compare notes on prop
rigging, techniques and costumes. We do help each other, though our
agents hate this as it is helping the competition and might result in
a lost Lexus for them.
This
chumminess vanishes as soon as we step in front of the casting video
camera. Then we degenerate into a snarling pack of juggling
velociraptors.
Landing
an audition can be very profitable, so we sweat and snarl and sling
our best.
And
this is for a software commercial. Go
It
is also called total humiliation.
After
this, we all do lunch.
So,
sweet cheeks!
Heres
your Star Studded Sob Story:
The
Breakdown called for a juggler for a |