YA GOTTA LOVE IT!

"Here, Scarecrow! Want to play bam"

                             -Wicked Witch of the West

 

So! Darling! Welcome to Tinsletown! Now youve got to get a life, get work and

get a bunch of agents. Yes, bubby, a BUNCH of agents.

 

Agents for theaters, parties, schools, camps, cruise ships, fairs and conventions. Weddings and funerals and mitzvahs oh my! Your Rolodex must bust with a hundred agents who will give you regular gigs to keep you from working as a waiter.

 

Finding these agents is the same as back in Kansas, through the yellow pages and references from friends. The good news is there is work for the willing juggler. The bad news is you must suffer New Kid Humiliation. A typical cold call to a Hollywood party agent goes like this:

 

"Party Putzers, may I help you?"

 

"Uh, yeah, my name is Bob Rastelli and I'm a juggler just arrived from Seattle. I do seven torches, five balls, and four diabolos on a twelve foot unsupported ladder and..."

 

"Who?"

 

"Uh, Bob. Bob Rastelli. I won a gold medal in..."

 

"Do you face paint and do balloon animals?"

 

"Uhyuuuukkkk..."

 

"I got a birthday party for a buncha six year old girls on Saturday. The theme is Beauty and the Beast". Can you do it?"

 

"Yes!"

 

Yes! You'll damn well do it, darling, because you're broke!

You've spent all your savings on HEAD SHOTS and RESUMES so you can sign with an AGENT who works in THE INDUSTRY.

 

Los Angeles is an INDUSTRY town. That means teevee, videos, movies, S.A.G.* shoots, Leno and Letterman! That means a national commercial spot! That means you've gotta make a buncha balloon animals while you hunt down an agent who will get you in the door. So you gotta suffer. Better love it, babe!

 

NO AGENT, NO SOAP

 

"Let me tell ya sump thin, Laura Green. Yer a damn good juggler but yer too country, ya got no dazzle and that hair has GOT to go. See me when ya gotta make over."

-Hollywood Vaudeville Agent Coralie Jr.

 

Taco Bells and birthday parties you can play anywhere, but the thing that makes L.A. really fun is hustling on auditions for tee vee commercials. You get to see your friends suffer physical pain and humiliation and have a shot at fame too!

 

But you can't jump in the pool without an agent.

 

What is an agent? Do you have to have one? What do you need to land one? What happens next?

 

An agent is not a cigar chomping groper ready to screw you out of everything. They are the folks who find you work, set up the audition, negotiate your contract and handle the billing. You can't do these things yourself because your job is juggling and you mustn't muss your doo with this side of show business.

 

It takes years for agents to learn their job; learn the town, learn the legal, the casting directors and how to power lunch. Their job is to get you work, for if you don't work, they can't buy a Lexus.

 

You can't get into the top auditions unless an agent submits you except if its an open cattle call, and that's another story not for this high toned article!

 

To sign with an agent you need chutzpa, head shots and a resume. These in hand, you knock on the doors of those who might best represent you. It is just like looking for a real job but you don't have to wear a tie!

 

Most agents are welcoming, as talent is their bread and butter so don't be shy. With persistence you WILL succeed. You better, or it's back to the burbs, baby!

 

THE BREAKDOWN ON THE BREAKDOWN

 

Your doggedness pays off.

 

Now you have an agent. Now what? How do agents find you auditions for commercials, movies and shows? They find them through The Breakdown Service.

The Breakdown is a summarized list of projects and the actors needed for the parts. The Service revises the list every day and delivers it by messenger to all the industry agents late in the evening. It costs agents plenty to subscribe and they do not show Breakdowns to actors.

 

Agents stay up way late, mark those projects they will submit their people for and first thing in the morning they zip out head­shots to the casting directors. If the casting director likes YOUR LOOK your agent schedules an audition. All this happens very quickly!

 

So, darling! You get a call from your agent in the morning and by afternoon you are sitting in a casting office with all the other jugglers in town, waiting your turn to die.

Can you juggle cereal boxes better than The Dans Holzman and Bennett? Don't worry, darling! IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU JUGGLE! It matters HOW YOU LOOK. Check it out.

NEXT!

"I looked at all the superstars. What is their different thing? Their hair...! wanted to be a star. I said, I have to fix my hair. "

-Rob Pilatus, one-half of Milli Vanilli

 

Here's a Tinsletown tale that totally tells what the town is like when it comes to casting. First, a little back stage insight: The cool thing in L.A. is when The Breakdown calls for a juggler the agents will round up the usual suspects and we will get to see our friends in the casting office, as all our agents are working off the same information.

 

Before the audition we call our best buddies to compare notes on prop rigging, techniques and costumes. We do help each other, though our agents hate this as it is helping the competition and might result in a lost Lexus for them.

 

This chumminess vanishes as soon as we step in front of the casting video camera. Then we degenerate into a snarling pack of juggling velociraptors.

 

Landing an audition can be very profitable, so we sweat and snarl and sling our best. In the typical audition you are expected to perfectly throw impossible junk in impractical numbers with no practice under painful conditions usually while sitting on a high wire under lousy light while pretending to eat corn flakes, take a shower and diaper a squalling baby all at the same time while your so-called friends sit outside the door hoping you choke big time.

 

And this is for a software commercial. Go figure! This is called professionalism.

 

It is also called total humiliation.

 

After this, we all do lunch. 

 

So, sweet cheeks!

 

Heres your Star Studded Sob Story:

 

The Breakdown called for a juggler for a new PBS Puppet Show, Puzzle Place, and EVERYBODY was auditioning for Jimmy The Juggler.