In what has to be our weirdest gig to date, FireNoise were invited to attend and assist in a Candlemass Eve service at St. Peter's Church in Cogenhoe, a small Anglican village just southwest of Northampton and politically next door to the Vatican.

 

A somewhat eccentric rector by the name of David Johnson had decided that his church services were going to be a bit more exciting than usual, which is probably why the Church of England exiled him to this tiny backwater in the first place. Unfortunately, the last thing you should do to a man like that is exile him, because he will feel he only has to make more noise to be heard.

 

Full of hope, good cheer and torch fuel, we three jugglers set off from Oxford in the physics van. The van is a useful mode of transport as it has a sticker in the front window which proudly proclaims that "the driver of this vehicle is on official business of the nuclear and particle physics department of the University of Oxford," and people tend to respect a nuclear van.

 

We arrived at Cogenhoe and went to the home of Mrs. Finney, a sweet old lady aged about 183, and a firm supporter of the rector in all his madness. She fed us and summoned the rector, who arrived resplendent in his cassock and hat, ready to whisk us to the church where a photographer from the Independent newspaper was waiting. He arranged us in various ways, swinging and blowing fire over the altar, and snapped away with professional aplomb. We left the church smelling of paraffin and smoke to wash up before meeting the Bishop of Edmonton for tea.

 

Tea was immensely civilized, with three rectors and a bishop, lots of Earl Grey and wonderful éclairs. The temptation to offer "more tea; vicar?" was too great; not for us though - for the bishop, of all people! We chatted away through church politics and listened politely as various characters in the Church of England were assassinated over scones, jam and cream. The rector does a marvelous impression of Runde (Archbishop of Canterbury)!

 

Then it was back to the church to set up the fire sculptures to read "Ave MR" (pronounced "arvay Maria Regina") and to talk through the service. At 7 p.m. we were on, fire juggling and pole and sword spinning to entertain the public as they entered the church. We also were aiming to get our mugs onto the local news, though a chap I was chatting with in the pub afterwards told me this was no great shakes. He told me his son got on the local news because he grew a large cabbage. British news is like that. Cabbages are considered important. Perhaps this is why we have 650 of them running the country!

 

At 7:28 we lit the "Ave MR" sculpture and provided a torch escort for the bishop, looking splendid in his mitre, up the path to the south porch.

 

We got a brief break before doing another escort session as the gospel was read. So far, so good. After all, the torches are only a little bit bigger than the candles - all put together! Then came the gradual hymn and Tish entered, fire swinging in from left of the altar. That got a few of the people in the front rows excited. A few minutes later the offertory started, with the bishop breaking bread and blessing wine. Paul and I were in imminent danger of toasting and mulling it as we blew fire in arcs above the altar. We managed not to torch the bishop or assistant deacons, and only sprayed a little fuel onto the choir. The audience (pronounced "congregation") seemed to like it.

 

The mass ended and rector David revealed his views on the recent acceptance of the ordination of women priests as he announced, "I have been asked to make two announcements. Firstly, children, don't try at home what the firebreathers have been doing, it is very dangerous. Secondly, ladies do not try what the bishop has been doing (meaning giving communion) as it is impossible."

 

Apparently half his congregation boycotted the show (pronounced "service") and I was beginning to see why!

 

Off we scooted to munch our well-earned refreshments, firstly in the church hall where autographs were signed and reporters chatted, and then at the redoubtable Mrs. Finney's for dinner with two rectors and a wannabee priest.

 

We settled down in front of Anglia News to catch our 7.53 seconds of instant fame and glory, and then sat amazed as a program called "The Good Sex Guide" came on. I don't think the clergy quite knew what to say or where to look, but Paul, Tish and I were dying laughing. "More sex, vicar..?!"

 

Next year, the rector says he wants a laser light show. Next year I shall be 3,500 miles away and probably just a little bit safer in mind and body.

 

Ken Zetie is a research physicist at the University of Oxford, England, and a founder member of FireNoise, a new circus performance group who specialize in fire and ultraviolet effects. FireNoise have been burning things and throwing loud parties for just over two years, during which they have performed at college balls, the Glastonbury festival and in random fields and forests. The other characters in this tale are not figments of the authors paranoid delusions, and Tish Alexander and Paul Millard are especially real. Ken is currently working on a book on fire juggling which will be published by Infinite Illusions.