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The usual gang of idiots auditioned, but I was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I had landed the part. I juggled like a genius, it was a children's show and best of all...the director, producer and writer were women. I was POSITIVE the old girl's network would hand me this plum on a platter. They LOVED me! They TOLD me so!

I was so sure of this that I was out the door to shop for a new Lexus when my agent called:

"You didn't get the part."

"WHAT!!! I KILLED!!! NOWAY!!!"

"Way. "

"Who did get it, then."

"Mark Nizer."

WHAT! NIZER DID HIS CARVING KNIFE! FOR A KID'S SHOW FOR GAWD'S SAKES! NO WAY!

Way.

"WHY!!! WHY DID MARK GET IT AND NOT ME!!!"

"Better hair. "

WAY!

I was devastated! I died a thousand deaths, doll!

Not only did Mark have a more bitchin doo than moi, but on top of that he LOOKED EXACTLY like the Jimmy The Juggler in the story board of the show. It would not have mattered if Mark had dropped his knife and chopped the director's head off. He LOOKED like what they wanted (and he juggled like a genius, too) and herein lies the BIG L.A. LESSON; it is not what you DO but how you LOOK, darling, that takes the cake. TOUGH!

So you might be the greatest juggler in the world but if you are a funny old sow, forget it!

But if you are a decent juggler and just happen to look like what the client wants,

you're in.

But you had better be able to take rejection with a sunny smile, because humble pie is The Top Lunch in this town.

So bring your panther-like reflexes and Nexxus locks, but please, pumpkin, DO have a good facial before you jump on the bus!

SURVIVING SURF CITY

"Always be sincere whether you feel like it or not. "

-Flanders & Swann via Billy Barrett

Having second thoughts, little one? Is your local Taco Bell looking better all the time? I know how you feel, for despite a few years and a few commercials I am still a Baltimoron seeking truth, beauty and a better doo on the highways of Hollywood. To help you decide to sell the farm I sought wisdom at the very large feet of Billy Barrett, fool and fine juggler, who has worked L.A. successfully for many years. Here is his take on the town:

I am an example of someone who has survived here, not a star like Michael Davis. Hollywood is a tough town, but the thing that keeps me here is the variety. There is so much going on, there's so many industries and they all need entertainment at one point or another to relieve stress and to promote their thing. I'll do a show at a mall one day, then a star studded event and then a party at the Queen Mary. It is always so different!

There is not much call for just a juggler, so you must have a strong base of physical comedy and performing in other venues and specialties to keep you going, and that means being a true vaudevillian. Here in L.A. you can create your own opportunities, invent yourself over and over, find a unique niche.

The disappointment can be devastating, so you have to have a strong self esteem and support system, a network of friends to lean on.

You don't have to juggle five clubs but you do have to have basic personal and business skills. You have to have the right personality, promote yourself and have yourself together socially. This will make you stand out against the flake factor!

The main thing is that you do it because you want to do it, because you love it, not because you think it is easy money. If you think it is easy money, forget it!

No, it is not easy money. But it is a ton of laughs!

Q: Whats the definition of the ultimate optimist in Hollywood?

A: A juggler with a beeper.

-Robert Nelson, The Butterfly Man

So, my darling, back in Kansas do you worry so much about your hair? Do you have to come to Hollywood to be a big star? Are we really having more fun that you? WHO CARES!

The thing to know is that while you are driving to the Taco Bell in your home town, we are driving to the Taco Bell here too, the only difference being we are always wearing sunglasses, speaking Spanish and keeping our eyes peeled for those sexy limos full of supah stahs.

Hollywood is indeed full of venues and opportunities not on tap in other towns, so if you are in the mood for a challenge and a creative jump come on out to Surf City. You can wish upon many stars, find yourself in the company of the fine fools of the Los Angeles Jugglers and do lunch with me any day. With a little luck we might see Bruce and Demi!

Just remember, though, what Dorothy Gale says"...if I ever go looking for my hearts desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard."

How true, my little love!

I'm just glad that my back yard is Hollywood.

* SAG. Screen Actors Guild

Laura Green is a full time Hollywood Juggler who has, indeed, seen Bruce and Demi. She served her fifth year as artist-in-residence at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C., in June and July.